​Dear Pixie,

It’s been exactly 8 days since you left us & crossed the rainbow bridge. 

I am writing this letter to try and let you go. For some reason, I am unable to find peace.

Sometimes it feels like a dream, but I don’t know what kind. Half the time it’s like I’m in the middle of a bad dream, but maybe I’ll wake up and see you on my bed. Or maybe I’ll look over right now and see you lying by my chair when you’d always be when I am home.

Sometimes it’s like you were just a dream. I want to fall asleep again and hope that I re-start that same dream. Was it really 9 years ago that I first saw you? We were supposed to have another 2 or 3 or even 5 years to hang out and go on walks, talk, travel, or play, or was that all just a happy dream?

I cried when you passed away, I still cry everyday. Although I loved you deeply, I couldn’t make you stay.                             

 A golden heart stopped beating, Tiny little Paws at Rest.  God broke my heart to only prove he takes the Best.  

You came to my life when I was struggling with a shocking discovery of a lifelong disease with no cure in medical science hit me hard. It was difficult for me to come in terms with the unwanted developments. What was more dreadful was the fact that I cannot lead a normal healthy life anymore.

My dependency on medicines, constant vigilance on day-to-day simple activities brought fear, insecurity which gradually led to Major Depression & Suicidal tendencies. During the whole process, I did not even realise when I isolated myself from the world. Eventually it led me to attract strong tendencies to hurt myself.

I still remember the feeling I felt, when I first saw you as a Tiny little Pup at the adoption centre, Delhi. With you, the conversations were Magical – someday I might have to leave this world without getting a chance to tell you goodbye.

I just want you know that all my happiest memories are with you. Promise me, you will never forget the all the time we spend together and promise me no one will ever take my place in your heart ever.

What a ride it has been- Delhi, Mumbai & Guwahati. The day I adopted you, I found my missing piece – You complete me & made a better person. Thank you for coming into my life & making me happy & contained every day. Maybe I wasn’t the Perfect father for you- but I did anything & everything in my power to make you happy.

In a world where everyone is over exposed- you have always taught me to enjoy life in private. If I could give you one thing in life, I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes, only then would realise how special you were to me.

Time has made me realise, choosing you was one of the best decisions of my life. You made me believe in myself when everyone gave up on me. You taught me Compassion, love without condition or boundaries, caring & sharing is all about. Maybe someday, somewhere we will meet again.

But for now, I will keep you safe in my thoughts for as far as my eyes can wonder, I will always see you & as long as my heart beats.

I walk around the house, and I feel like something is missing. You weren’t there to greet me, No tail shaking, no tongue wagging. Life will never be the same, Quiet empty home- My Tiny Little Girl now sleeps peacefully. And it hits me at random times through the day.

I went over to the Terrace of our block on last Tuesday to look for something, and randomly thought of you. I had to sit down and gather myself before I could get back to looking.  

There’s something I wanted to talk to you about, thank you for the 9 years of being the best girl. It was a joy to grow up with you and it still breaks my heart that I won’t be seeing you anymore.

I want to read you the best quote, I have ever heard “You don’t know what you have, until it’s gone.” The truth is you knew exactly what you had, you just never thought you would lose it.

You have given me all your love and for staying as long as you possibly could. I never thought it was possible to love someone so deeply and so selflessly. You’ve taught us so many things without saying a word. You’ve changed me into completely different human being. and now that you’re gone, I feel so lost and confused about my very own existence.

As far as I can see, Grief will never truly end, it may become softer over time, more gentle. Some days will feel sharp. Grief will last as long as love does “Forever”- Simply the way the absence of you Pixie manifest in my heart. 

A deep longing, accompanied by the deepest love- someday the heavy rains can return & the next day it may recede.   It all in an ebb & flows, the constant dance of pain, sorrow & sweet love 

I don’t ask for help often, I handle my own healing. When I do need someone that’s when you know it’s bad and I am literally struggling emotionally & mentally.                 

You were so little when we got you and I was so young. Your passing symbolizes the end of an era, the end of a very sweet memories. I love you Pixie, may you find happiness and lots of time to run and play in the rainbow.

I miss you so much already. I am hoping this letter gets rid of my heartache but it’s not working.

Hopefully, I will find you in my dreams and thoughts and heal from this loss.

You will always be “Daddy’s Little Girl”.

I promise to see you on the other side when the time is right.

Unexpected Goodbye 

Forever in My Heart Beti

Teejay 

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